i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
