put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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