i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
