I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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