I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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