I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize