she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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