I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
