Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
