sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
