Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
