I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
