I just gift wrapped bread.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
The air taste purple.
Randomize
