im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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