You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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