Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
