After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
