Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I want to be your penis for a week.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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