somebody snuck up and got me drunk
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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