the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
