I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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