apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
