Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
