Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
