He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
