Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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