i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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