I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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