Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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