i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
