smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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