sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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