Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize