Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
