a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
