You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
