i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
