And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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