So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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