i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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