I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
