i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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