woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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