So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
