We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
