Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
