If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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