one word: firstdatebathroomanal
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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