8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
