She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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