I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
