I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
