I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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