Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize