he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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