Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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