If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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