nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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