At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
