last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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