No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
