Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
