I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
