nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
