u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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