so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
