I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
they're like a gay fantastic four
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
