at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
