Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
