Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you inspire me to be a worse person
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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