Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
