im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
