The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
