...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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