just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
