maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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