Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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