My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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