so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
